Q&A: Will I be sent to Hell?

Will I be sent directly to Hell if I paint this Heywood-Wakefield dresser/sideboard?

The finish on it is crummy in spots, and it needs to be refinished, but I’m not sure I actually like Heywood-Wakefield furniture. The color is just SO orange/yellow, and it’s all just a little too…I don’t know…Jetsons/atomic/kitschy/slightly-Deco for me. We bought this dresser last year off of Craigslist, and we don’t really need it.

I want to like it. I really do. I’ve tried. But maybe I’d like it if it were super-glossy black…with the handles left bare? Normally I don’t get all worked up about the “sanctity” of unpainted wood, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’d be committing a mortal sin. (Is there a Heywood-Wakefield commandment? I’ve never read the Bible, so I can’t be sure.)

Or maybe I should sell it. Does anyone want it? I’ve definitely seen H-W pieces look AMAZING in other people’s houses, but I just can’t make it work.

I feel badly.

Seriously, does anyone want it? Here’s a photo of what it would look like totally refinished.